This “important WINDOWS” update” showed up in my email in-basket Saturday and, based on the text, punctuation and the fact that the purported sender was “windows.com” instead of Microsoft, it’s a safe bet that it’s malware.

My recommendation? If it arrives in your email, ignore>delete.

There’s no shortage of news about Bernie Madoff’s astounding Ponzi scheme through which he (allegedly) bilked a great many investors and charitable foundations out of billions of dollars. The fact that he is out on reduced bail and has used that freedom to send millions in jewelry to his children and write checks for a few billion more to friends and family is even more astounding. But what amazes me is how Congressional leaders are posturing about it. They’re appalled, they say. Something must be done, they promise. But wait. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?

For those few of you unfamiliar with how the Ponzi scheme works, it’s where a shyster takes in money from marks investors to “invest” for them, pockets it, produces spurious reports illustrating the stellar performance of the “fund’s” portfolio, gets more investors and uses some of the newly invested money to pay a few of the earlier investors, then continues the practice until he has a ton of money in his pocket. The portfolio, of course, is essentially worthless and he has all the money squirreled away in off shore accounts. Then he moves to an island somewhere in the Pacific or to a country without an extradition treaty with the U.S. and lives large. The trick is to keep the investors believing their investments are earning astounding returns while he collects more and more money from new investors. You’ve probably heard of Ponzi schemes, but Madoff’s may be one of the largest such frauds (ahem…alleged frauds) in history.

Or is it? Isn’t that exactly how our government has been operating our Social Security system?

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Normally I wouldn’t mention what looks to be an obvious email fabrication, but I’ve received several emails (you may have too) alleging that a high ranking DNC official (of course) leaked that Senator Joe Biden will cite health concerns, possibly related to an another aneurysm, as his reason for stepping down as the vice-presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket, to be replaced by Senator Hillary Clinton soon after the VP debate.

Such email rumors aren’t uncommon; remember the one in 2004 claiming Bush was about to dump Dick Cheney? And more recently, that McCain was about to replace Sarah Palin? In fact, there hasn’t been such a swap since McGovern did it in 1972 (with disastrous results).

I know, anything’s possible, but I wouldn’t put much stock in the idea. The Dems probably realize that whatever boost they might enjoy with a switch to Clinton could be offset by making Obama seem a weak, indecisive, vacillating presidential candidate.

I’m sometimes astounded by the inventive means some folks devise to rip people off. If only they were able to channel their creative energies toward something more, well, legal.

Take the case of this former Folsom Auto Mall employee. He noticed that his employer used purchase orders to charge gasoline at neighboring stations, noted where managers kept the purchase order book, determined who was authorized to sign the orders and learned to forge their signatures. Then he stole about 100 purchase orders and used them to steal $14,000 worth of gasoline over a three month period.

A dealership employee noticed him orchestrating the fill up of a line of cars and alerted authorities. He was arrested Sunday night… Story

You may remember various email hoaxes over the years claiming that cell phones could cook an egg and therefore were frying your brain while you used them. Well, a new version popped up May 28th in the form of YouTube videos purporting to demonstrate how cell phones can pop corn. I’ve received several emails from friends “alerting” me to the danger.

Sorry, folks, but all three videos were illusions produced by Cardo Systems, Inc., a provider of Bluetooth headsets, as part of a marketing campaign to - you guessed it - sell more headsets. Pretty clever, I suppose, but how was it done? Well, someone’s produced a video that purports to “expose” the hoax. The video on the left is one of the three produced by Cardo showing the corn “popping”, the one on the right by someone dismantling a microwave to demonstrate how the trick was conceivably accomplished. Kids, don’t try this at home.

A word of caution seems appropriate here. Cardo refers to their videos as “illusions” without explaining how they were accomplished. The video purporting to expose them was not produced by Cardo and could conceivably be a hoax itself. In any event, attempting to reproduce the illusion as shown in the second video would be, at the very least, dangerous. At worst, you could be electrocuted or burn your house down. Needless to say, I don’t recommend anyone try it.

If you’re like me, your in-box is blessed with regular malware and phishing emails aimed at disrupting your blissful computer life or fleecing you of your hard earned money. Most of you recognize and delete them without much thought. But a few of you take the bait and that’s what keeps the perpetrators in business. Here’s an example I received this morning:

CNN, San Clemente, CA - Major Problems have been occured at San Clemente Nucklear Power Station - 20-year old circuit breaker fails to close, creating a 4,000-volt arc and fire. Possible radiation leaks on 100miles area. Evacuation process has been started - View current video-clip.

Clicking on the “link” usually results in the unintentional download of malware - a virus, worm, trojan or, in some cases, a carefully installed robot that secretly inducts your computer into an army of other computers controlled by the perpetrator. In some cases, perpetrators gain unfettered access to your hard drive, even monitor your every keystroke, and then steal your identity. It’s no wonder experts advise you not to “take the bait”, even if it appears to be from a friend.

More often than not, the bait email is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, so it’s immediately suspect.

”Advance Fee” schemes are a little different. We’ve all received one variant or another, but new and creative ploys still regularly grace our in-boxes. Here’s a simple one I received last week:

Dearest One,

I am writting this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we
have not known or met ourselves previously I am asking for your assistance
after I have gone through a profile that speaks good of you. I want to find out if it’s possible
for you to deal with individual as to investment. I came across your profile and I
feel it’s highly reputable that is why I pick an? interest getting across to you in respect of
investment at my disposal. I will be so glad if you can allow me and lead me to the
right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. I would like to use this opportunity
to introduce myself to you.
I am Sandra James 22Years Old Lady from (cote d ivore) ,the only daughter
of Late Micheal James , My father is now late he was a well known cocoa
and gold merchant business man in my country( cote d ivore) ,he was poisoned
by his co-business partner a year ago. The main reason why I am contacting you now
is to seek your assistance in the area of my future investment and also for a help hand over some huge amount of money in my possession. This fund ( US5.6 Million dollars) is deposited
in a bank in my country in (cote d’ivoire) a years ago by my father he made me the sole
beneficiary.I am now asking you to stand on my behalf,to stand as my partner and
in time of the claim and investment as well. I have made up my mind to offer you 13%of the
total money while the remaining will go into a productive investment. Pls attach your
direct and full information as you reply to me.
Thanks and remain bless.

Best Regards
Sandra James

Doesn’t her “heartful of tears” just tug at your , uh, heartstrings? Mine too! So much so that I think I’ll respond by telling her I’ll be be more than happy to help launder her money if she’ll just tell me how much I need to send her to get things rolling. Why? Just to pull her chain like she’s trying to yank mine. I’ll keep you posted.

Here are a few of the things that slipped through the proverbial cracks this week but are still worth mentioning:

TechCrunch has two separate reader reports of a phishing scam targeting Facebook users. The scam involves a notice appearing on the wall of user profiles as a message from a friend saying, “Hey, I got a new facebook account. I’m going to delete this one, so add my new profile…” with a link that appears to direct to the new profile but actually directs to a URL on view-facebookprofiles.com, a domain registered (and whois protected) on Namecheap and hosted at Softlayer that looks identical to the Facebook login page. Users fooled into resubmitting their Facebook details on this page then have their Facebook accounts hijacked and all of their contacts receive a similar message, propagating the phishing scam. It’s not yet clear what the phishing scammers are planning on using the compromised accounts for or how far it has spread, but beware…

Adobe has launched a basic version of Adobe Photoshop available for free online. Photoshop Express will be completely Web-based so consumers can use it with any type of computer, operating system and browser. According to Yahoo! News, Adobe says providing Photoshop Express for free is part marketing and part a strategy to create up-sell opportunities. It hopes some customers will move from it to boxed software like its $99 Photoshop Elements or to a subscription-based version of Express that’s in the works. More…

Remember Apple’s Newton? It brought handwriting recognition to hand held computing years ago but never quite found its niche market. Well, Apple’s kept its patents viable and now seems poised to reintroduce it for Mac OSX, other applications and the iPhone according to a report by Arnold Kim for Mac Rumors. “Apple has started hiring for a new Handwriting Recognition Engineer. The job description specifically seeks someone who would be responsible for ‘advancing Apple’s handwriting recognition technology for Mac OS X’ and ‘to other applications and the iPhone.’”…

There you have it. I’ve cleared my desk and I’m taking the rest of the week off.

Looks like the well-worn Nigerian email scam has moved to Iraq. Here’s an email received from Sgt. Mark Edwards:

Mark Edwards here, an American soldier serving in the 1st Armored Division in Iraq. you understand our situation here, being attacked by insurgents. On the process, we secretly moved some amount of money that was hidden in one of the Saddam Hussein’s. caves. which at the moment not traceable. Your kind assistance in receiving the Project funds, will be appreciated. for the purpose of investment. 70% of the total will be set aside for a good business Investment while an offer of 30% is made available to you hope you’ll appreciate that. I’m not asking much but rather a hand of assistance in moving the funds out of the London security vaults where it’s been deposited under a temporal immunity coverage.

Iraq, is a war zone and my life here cannot be predicted as anything can happen at any time, so would not like to miss the chance of completing the final process of the funds, which is a confirmation of it at your receiving address. A diplomatic courier will be an ideal plan for the shipping of the package which is a silver box containing the treasures. Note that the process would encounter no hitch as it is a risk free transaction and has a diplomatic, coverage so cannot be checked at any port of Entry/Exit. If this offer is ok by you, then further details will be sent to you. let me say that “TRUST” should be our major objective in this venture as you’ll be in control of it all. untill my mission is completed. Can you, be trusted? Note: I will like you, to contact me through my alternative email address for security reason so here, is the Email address: markedwards_us@yahoo.it

kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest.

Nice to meet you.

Well, sha-zam, Sgt. Edwards, I’m delighted to meet you, too! You boys are doing a fine job over there and I’ll be happy to help you launder the money. Just tell be how much I need to send you to get the ball rolling…

A member of my Lodge sent a reminder of some of the new laws supposedly taking effect July 1 along with their related fines. It was subsequently published in the Lodge newsletter and I’ve since received two or three more emails addressing the same information.  Some of you have probably received similar notifications. The purported changes include:

* Carpool lane - First time offense, $1068.50! Second time, double!! Third time, triple!!! Fourth time, license suspended!

* Improper lane change - $380. Don’t cross the solid line or change lanes in an intersection.

* Cell phones - Use must be “hands free” while driving. Fine is $285. Police will be aggressively looking for this; it’s easy money. Cell phone use in a construction zone - Double the fine.

* Passengers over 18 must be seat belted (both the offending passengers and driver get ticketed.)

* Speeding - the “grace limit” is now 3 mph above the posted limit. (No more 10% grace.)

* DUI = Jail! And it stays on your driving record for 10 years!

Folks, this is a hoax! While some traffic laws and fines did change in 2007, the sheer absurdity of some of these purported fines made me think twice. For more information, consult  your state’s 2007 Vehicle Code.